iThink.

has got to be the worst thing ever. you think ur started, then

kapow

your not.

please someone get me. understand me. because lord knows i need someone who does.

hey guess what?

apparently my camera is non-returnable. As in, I'll have it forever, or until i can buy it. and since i just got a new computer, i think that wont be for a while. i am crushed. never have i wanted anything so bad. but i will wait, ill wait as long as i can to get that camera. ill wait until the world ends.

so you know about my dreams of a real camera, not this tiny digita one i have. And you know that I like to pursue photography as a creative hobby, but the only problem is that every single camera that i would like is over a thousand dollars, and mother says 300 max. there were a few nice olympuses and kodaks but theyre not what i really dream of.

i dream of a nikon.

i saw one, and only one camera that i want, and that is a $599 nikon digital SLR camera. With adjustable lenses and all that jazz. you don't understand how mych i want that. i want it so bad. so bad. i want to feel its cool weight in my hands, and peek through the viewfinder and see... see the world. because god knows how life would look if you werent seeing it through a lens.

i am such a fucker. i rushed in to the decision of buying a nice supercompact camera with a nice big screen and forgot that i want to be able to take pictures as an art. i want a real camera, one that makes me smile, one that i can focus manually and adjust lenses and take pictures like in the old days, except with a 2.5 LCD. i want to feel my pictures, not just take them. i want to face the camera out, not in. i want to take a portrait of my mother, with shadow dancing on her face and my father, in black and white, but making up for the lack of color.

i want to show the world like you've never seen.

i love taking pictures outside because sunlight dances on everything.

i ma not know a lot about the technical jargon, but i sure love taking photographs. i remember when i was little, and i would stare at photographs hours on end, just studying the sunlight and how things look in the backround, and i want to SMILE, really SMILE when i look at the pictures i take.

ill keep updating on the nikon baby; maybe tomorrow will be the best day of my life..

you know, some things justify themselves. that you can elicit happiness from the smallest things in life is a gift. a gift i posess. tonight i was eating popsicle brand popsicles, and thinking about this. simple pleasures are something that you can get from yourself, something that lights you up inside without anything especial happening to you. because every one of us has that simple pleasure switch inside us. in most of us its off. but turn it on, and youll be pleased to know that it returns the favor.

does no one like me? me, rachel, the girl who never had it all. does anyone ever like us, the collective group of people who know what they want in life but don't know how to get it? right now i want to scream at the top of my lungs, my heart soaring into the sky, that i'm no different from you. no different.

i want to text jonah. i wish i had his number.

i have no idea what's going to happen this last year. but i hope it will  all be worth it in the end.

I feel their energy even when i sleep. i feel the smiles, the laughter,, and everything in between. i love those times when you have this inexplicable urge to scream out "KODAK MOMENT!!!" and snap pictures of everyone. i have noticed that pictures always turn out best when taken in sunlight because sunlight jsut....

illuminates us, yeah.

im not sposed to be on the computer. my mom is sleeping nextdoor, she'll hear me. My mother likes sleeping in the guest room. I guess she feels like a guest in our house. she never sleeps in the old bedroom. my father is gone. not really gone, but gone in... that way, i guess. my family is distant from each other. i dont think i am close to my mother or father. i think i'm really not clost to anyone, not even my best friends, becuase i like it just fine that way. i'm used to myself. i have friends, just not the kind i really want. i have friends to laugh with, but i really want someone serious, someone who understands me really. but not too much. i dont think anyone thinks i have feelings. i do though. im super self conscious, and i always think no one likes me. i don't trust people when they are nice to me because i always think they are lying. i like to observe people. see whats inside them.

and then i realize, maybe there's a little person, waiting to break free in all of us.

it's late. late and raining. if i were the princess of a magical fairy castle off somewhere i would love it when i rained. i would curl up by the window and write and write and take pictures and capture the moment forever before it slips away, out of reach. but, sadly, i am not the princedd of a far-away kingdom, but a socially outcast teenager living in the non-sunny, non-beach, non-interesting part of florida. not that i hate it here, but i think i have the uncontrollable urge to move to arizona. someplace far off with deserts where it doesn't rain. no rain for me. just some white dress, all soiled up and a camera. not the small digital kind like i actually have, but a big, clunky, black camera that shoots on film and has an adjustable zoom lens and all that stuff. and if i grew my hair long, i could run around the desert with my hair streaming all behind me and i'd be happy, really truly happy. i think that i've reverted back to the old ten year old me, with the overactive imagination. i live in my own world, full of beautiful landscapes and happiness and zoom lenses. i think i like living in my own world better than here. i could just close my eyes and feel the hot red desert sand beating into my ankles and heels, as i run free.

really free.